New X rated channel to feature tenderpreneur

Anouther classic from the guys at hayibo.com regarding the upcoming launch of SA's first 24 hour porn TV channel.

JOHANNESBURG. A new porn channel with its own dedicated satellite has promised content specifically tailored to South African tastes, including passive-aggressive post-coital cuddling for DA voters and FAK sing-alongs for conservative Afrikaans consumers. The satellite, SPUNKNIK2, was a replacement for SPUNKNIK1, which was destroyed when the rocket carrying it had a premature ignition and exploded on the launchpad.

Engineers were quick to play down the explosion, saying that it “happens to lots of rockets and is nothing to be ashamed of”.

According to Missionary Control in Benoni, SPUNKNIK2 is currently orbiting at an altitude of 6969 kilometers above the earth, protected by heat-resistant faux leopard fur, DD-cup silicone airbags, and a force field created by playing Serge Gainsbourg’s 1969 hit ‘Je t’aime’ at 160 decibels.

However, a spokesman explained that there were no direct threats to the satellite, now that the Taliban and Amish space programmes had ground to a halt, both having met the limits of how far a horse-powered catapult could fire a child dressed in astronautical robes.

Meanwhile South Africans wishing to subscribe to the new channel will have to install a separate decoder, made of waterproof latex, and a roof-mounted dish.

“We realise there may be privacy issues for subscribers,” said spokesman Sakkie De Kok. “Which is why all our satellite dishes come standard with a giant brown paper bag over them.”

According to De Kok, the new channel would cater for local “niche tastes”.

“Market research has shown that many DA voters get extremely turned on by being told what to do by aggressive middle-aged women with German surnames, and by something called ‘Koekie Loekie Met Die Stywe Broekie’,” said De Kok. “It sounds hyper-sif, but whatever pickles their dill, you know?”

He said upwardly mobile young black subscribers could look forward to the epic adult blockbuster, ‘The Tender Preneur’.

“It’s about a poor chubby township boy who is seduced by power and money – literally. It’s a pretty hectic scene, and I’m not sure it’s technically legal to do that stuff with banknotes and a multi-plug.

“In the end he becomes a demagogue and calls for Boers to be shot, and the homoeroticism just escalates from there.”

He said conservative Afrikaners had expressed outrage at the channel’s launch, but reassured them that they would also be catered to in a “culturally sensitive manner”.

“It’s not so much porn as historical erotica,” said De Kok, saying that adult films such as ‘Voortrekker, Draad-Trekker’, ‘Die Kreun van Os se Ma’ and ‘Touch Me On My Kontrei’ were tastefully filmed, and featured sex scenes under L-shaped sheets so viewers would never have to see “the hideous abomination that is the female form”.

“Oh, except for ‘Van Hunks and the She-Devil’,” he added. “That one is pretty rough. Even for people who are into S&M, Satan, and pipe-smoking.”

(hayibo.com)