SA to offer super-rich cheats to rhino poachers

PRETORIA. South Africa has invited Asian rhino-poaching syndicates to hunt the country’s 9,000 super-rich tax dodgers instead. According to zoologists, the tax cheats – who rob the country of R48-billion a year – have souls that are made of a hard, knotted hair-like substance that is almost identical to rhino horn, and which contains a secret pheromone known as ‘money’ that acts as a powerful aphrodisiac.

Millions of men in China and Vietnam believe that eating rhino horns can make their penises grow from the current national average of 3.2 centimeters up to a staggering 5 centimeters, and 443 rhinos were killed by poachers last year to feed this insatiable demand.

According to SARS spokeswoman, Impecunia Philander, the revenue service had seen a “potential overlap” between rhino poaching and the country’s 9,000 individuals who earn more than R7-million a year while avoiding paying tax.

“Nothing is certain except death and taxes, and this way we can oversee both,” said Philander. “Kill two birds with one stone. Or two tax-dodgers with one burst of a Chinese-made AK-47, as the case may be.”

Government spokesman Gaia Attenborough-Mxenge said that the new plan had the full backing of the state.

“We are outraged by the discovery that the super-rich are withholding billions in taxes,” he said. “They are effectively stealing from the poor, and that’s our job, dammit!”

Asked what the government would do with an extra R48-billion per year, Attenborough-Mxenge said that it would probably invest in vital nation-building infrastructure, like 20-million bottles of Johnny Walker Blue Label.

Meanwhile, tax-evaders have condemned plans to exterminate them, saying that they choose to stay in South Africa precisely because it provides a “consequence-free lifestyle for the rich”.

Hedley Chinless-Lacrosse, whose family stole Natal in the 1700s and who now breeds racehorses and blonde daughters in his Umhlanga stables, said he would have followed his money to the Cayman Islands if he had known he was going to be hunted by poachers.

“Thank God my wife is addicted to sleeping pills and the girls are f*cked on heroin,” he said. “Otherwise they’d be very upset right now.”

Caligula Maponya, who made a fortune selling large consignments of nothing to the Limpopo government, said that he would rather sell his soul directly to the Chinese.

“I am not happy about these middle-men poaching my profits,” he said. “Heita, rather hook me up with these Chinas, then we can make a deal where they take my soul without having to actually explode my chest, know what I’m saying?”

http://www.hayibo.com/sa-to-offer-super-rich-tax-cheats-to-rhino-poachers/