SA can't afford to send rape squads to Zim

Anouther classic from the guys at hayibo.com. A good way to start Monday with a laugh.

HARARE. The South African government says it can’t afford to send rape squads or torture teams to Zimbabwe to help Robert Mugabe win the upcoming election, mainly because it has spent the last of the money it got for selling the higher moral ground and pawning its moral compass. However, a spokesman confirmed that the government would be supplying Mugabe with plenty of immoral support.

Gwede Mantashe was quoted in the Sunday Times as promising to supply Mugabe’s repressive regime “election messages and strategies that would deliver victory”, adding that it was important for Zanu-PF to “regain lost ground and continue to represent the aspirations of the people of Zimbabwe”.

Asked if Zanu-PF might have lost ground by raping and torturing citizens, and if the aspirations of the people of Zimbabwe were simply to not starve to death, ANC spokesman Collaborator Cwele ordered all journalists with Grade 5 and above to get out of the press conference, accusing them of being “racist elitist toadies of British homosexuals”.

However, Cwele confirmed that the ANC would not be able to back Mugabe as much as it would have liked.

“To be honest, we did have quite a cash pile after selling South Africa’s soul, hawking the higher moral ground, and pimping out the legacy of the liberation struggle,” said Cwele. “But Swedish jets and Limpopo tenders don’t come cheap, know what I’m saying?”

As a result, said Cwele, the South African government would not be able to supply Mugabe with the tools that historically had proved most effective at winning his re-election: rape squads and torture teams.

But, he said, South Africa would be sending “loads and loads of empty rhetoric” that might prove just as useful.

“We’ve got a whole vault full of empty promises that are fantastic for convincing people to vote for a government that will do absolutely nothing for them once it’s re-elected,” explained Cwele.

Asked why Mugabe had such incredible power over ANC politicians, Cwele conceded that most senior ANC leaders were “terrified of being bummed by Comrade Robert”.

“Not that he’s gay,” Cwele added hastily. “God knows, he isn’t. He’s the most manly man south of Mantown in the Democratic Man’s Republic of Manliness. But he’s such a stud, he tends to f*ck pretty much everything he touches: the Zimbabwean economy, the electoral process, the possibility of reconstruction – you name it, he f*cks it.”

(hayibo.com)