My bucket list for 2014

My old friend and mentor Victor showed me something the other day. Using a ruler he marked of a length of 82 cms. 82 years being the average life span for a man. At 38 years of age that puts me pretty close to the half way mark of Victors ruler. The question Victor asked me was have you accomplished what you thought you would? This got me to thinking about things I promised myself I would do but never got around to doing and so I got up early this morning and drew up my bucket list of sorts for 2014. The essence of any good bucket list consists of overcoming fears,achieving goals, realizing dreams and even simple pleasures. Whether it’s an exotic adventure half-way around the world or something simpler, like spending more time with your family or friends, what matters is that you experience all the amazing and phenomenal things Earth offers. So without further ado here are ten things from my bucket list for 2014.

1. Date a woman capable of logical rational thought

Note to self: this probably isn't going to happen. Still it was a nice thought though. In the words of W. C. Fields: "No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree".

2. Write a kick ass novel

There is an age-old adage that says that “everyone has at least one good book in them. The problem is that writing is actually bloody difficult. Still I like the idea of writing something that blows everyone away. Wouldn't it be great to do what Hemmingway did and go and live somewhere really cool and write that great book. Ernest Hemingway lived and wrote in Key West Florida and found solace there. I have absolutely no idea what I am going to write about though!

3. Solve a Rubik’s Cube

Master a Rubik’s Cube, that multi-colored, seemingly-innocuous, twisty little block that actually drives most folks crazy (as well as gives ‘em that ‘all-the-dumber’ feeling). Invented by Erno Rubik circa 1974, the 3-D puzzle game has held the title of ‘most popular game of its kind’ ever since its debut.The Rubik’s Cube is also known for something else, though–that is, causing untold angst amongst those who’ve failed to even produce two solid-colored sides, Yours truly included!

4. Boys weekend/road trip to the Hantam Vleisfees

No guys bucket list could be complete without a road trip of sorts. My road trip has to include the Hantam Vleisfees. Calvinia in the Northern Cape is sheep country, and every year they throw one hell of a festival with the sole purpose of celebrating meat. There's meat braaied, stewed, curried, in pita, on sosaties, in potjies - you can even pick up a done-to-perfection sheep's head! The gastronomical boozy experience that is the three-day Hantam Vleisfees has a music concert, street party, vintage car rally and, a highlight for many, the Miss Vleisfees competition.The reigning Calvinia meat festival queen is Rika Van Zyl.I wonder if she gets to put that on her CV. [HantamVleisfees]

5. See the Northern Lights

Watch nature's own theatre unfold above you as the worlds most spectacular light show takes centre stage. An aurora is a natural light display in the sky particularly in the high latitude regions, caused by the collision of energetic charged particles with atoms in the high altitude atmosphere. The effect is known as the aurora borealis (or the northern lights), named after the Roman goddess of dawn and I plan on seeing it this year.

6. Be stalked by a really really really ridiculously sexy hot chick

I had a run in with a Stage Five Clinger (stalker chick) a while back but sadly she wasn't particularly attractive. I guess if you have the misfortune to be stalked by some crazy girl it would be nice if she was a hottie.

7. Post a video on Youtube that goes viral

On its five year anniversary, popular video streaming site YouTube announced it streams two billion videos every day. What started as a site for bedroom bloggers and viral videos has evolved into a global phenomenon. Whats amazing is when someone posts a video that  cost nothing to make and it goes viral and attracts mass media attention.

8. Teach my dog to fetch me a beer

Seriously it can be done as the video above shows and why not? I got a Schutzhund qualification on my dog after spending two years training my dog in tracking, obedience and attack work but he still can't fetch me a beer - what's wrong with this picture?

9. Solve Greece's debt problem

I have decided that reducing Greece's debt will be my act of goodwill towards my fellow human beings for 2014. The solution to this problem that plagues the euro-zone is actually quite simple. Greece needs to declare war and invade Albania. Of it's three neighbouring countries I reckon this is the weakest so it should be a no brainer. Invade the country, loot and steal all their cash and valuables then leg it back to Greece and hey presto that debt problem is solved. Plus it will probably help build up the Greek ego a bit. Kind of like reliving their old Spartan glory days.

10. Continue to abstain from the Movember madness

Everywhere you go on the internet during the month of November all you see are guys trying to grow moustaches like they are the greatest thing since pants with pockets. What’s with the novelty facial hair? When did this become a thing to do, festooning your upper lip like a Dr. Seuss landscape? I feel it is my duty to inform the reading public that this is not cool. Not what so ever. Moustaches are like airline food, they are crap. I know that Movember is for a good charitable cause but if you care that much just give them your money. Fact - nobody trusts men with excessive facial hair!

Submitted by: Colin Chaplin.