Mugabe, birthday list

Another classic from Hayibo.com. HARARE. Robert Mugabe says he will celebrate his 88th birthday tomorrow surrounded by friends and loved ones. “I’ve had them all stuffed so they can never leave me,” explained the despot. “On special days I arrange them in a circle around me and we play the applause-loop on my tape deck. It’s very festive.”

 

Organizers of the birthday bash said that up to fourteen Zimbabweans would line the streets of the capital tomorrow, cheering from their hospital gurneys, “or at least wheezing, coughing or vomiting blood in a patriotic way”.

Other highlights include a fly-past of Zimbabwe’s elite squadron of attack geese and the ceremonial ignition of the country’s last functioning internal-combustion engine.

 

Mugabe himself was in good spirits this morning, laughing and joking with his old friends as they were dragged out of storage and checked for mildew and lint before being placed around his bedroom.

Asked if he had a bucket-list, Mugabe said that there was only one item on his list: finding a bucket. Presidency insiders have reportedly not yet told Mugabe that all plastic buckets were eaten by starving Zimbabweans in the mid-2000s, while all metal ones were smelted down and turned into a gigantic statue of Mugabe twisting the nipples of a cloven-hoofed Tony Blair as part of his 84th birthday celebrations.

 

When asked if he had any regrets, Mugabe conceded that if he had known that Thabo Mbeki was going to be “such an utter gimp”, he might have invaded South Africa to be closer to world-class medical facilities.

“It’s a real drag flying to Singapore every time they replace the solar cells in my bionic prostate,” he explained.

He said that he had also learned a great deal in his long and healthy life, including that “white people have the concentration spans of Golden Retrievers”.

 

“I was Satan from about 2004 to about 2010, couldn’t fart without having it condemned by liberal honkies,” recalled Mugabe. “Now I’m lucky if I make page 15 of Farmers’ Weekly. It’s fabulous.”

He said the year ahead would feature many important milestones, including the posting of milestones along Harare’s Route 1, with a view to possibly laying cobblestones some time in the 22nd century.

He added that forthcoming elections would be “good for a laugh”, adding that regular elections helped keep him young. “Filling in all those ballot forms is way more fun than Sudoku, plus it’s brilliant brain exercise, trying to figure out if you’ve won 320 percent of the votes or just 310,” he said.

 

But, said Mugabe, the real highlight would be the launch of Zimbabwe’s new space programme.

“We’re launching a probe into space,” he confirmed to wild applause from his tape deck. “It’s not actually Space, just the space where the middle class used to be. But it’s still a vacuum. The probe, that is, not the space. We’re catapulting a vacuum-cleaner off a truck. It’s going to be radical.”

 

http://www.hayibo.com/mugabe-birthday-bucket-list-includes-finding-a-bucket/