Malema to appeal suspension, claims he was mistakenly tried as adult

JOHANNESBURG. The ANC Youth League says it will appeal Julius Malema’s five-year suspension on the basis of a procedural lapse that saw the sacked president tried as an adult rather than as a juvenile offender.

“Like, duh!” yelled spokesman Joovee Marawa. “You’d think ‘Youth League’ would be a clue, but no! This is so unfair! We wish we’d never been born! You’re such a bitch!”

 

Pouting and sighing while slouched in a corner, Marawa said that nobody understood what Malema was trying to do, which was “to like, change stuff and shit”.

“You just won’t listen! You never listen to anything we say!” he yelled, before storming to his office and slamming the door.

ANC legal advisor Consiglieri Cele revealed that the senior ANC figures who decided Malema’s fate had also considered mitigating circumstances before making their judgement.

“On the one hand, yes, he’s been a bit of a shit,” said Cele. “But how much of it was malice and how much was just raging hormones and trying to impress girl-cadres?”

He said he had personally recommended “just giving the boy six jacks, a month of detention and making him write out ‘Desiderata’ a hundred times”.

But the Youth League hit back this morning, with lawyer LaLawya Jackson saying that the League may have a good case for a retrial as there is “abundance of mitigating evidence that’s actually quite embarrassingly obvious in hindsight, now that I think about it”.

 

“Clearly Comrade Brother Leader President El Guapo Mucho Hombre Mac-Daddy Julius should have been tried as a minor,” explained Jackson. “I mean, honestly, suddenly a lot of things just make sense. Starting with just about anything Julius has said or done in the last ten or years or so, but especially… no, wait, I can’t actually single out any one thing in particular.”

Meanwhile Malema’s aides say he has “taken the gloves off” to show his small, soft hands that have not seen a day of real work in the last decade.

 

“This is just the beginning!” vowed a close friend. “Next he will take off his T-shirt, and shorts, and, if provoked, he will strip all the way down to his Dragon Ball Z undies. And yes, if necessary, he will even take them off to reveal his youthful tendencies. Remember how he came into power in the first place, by the light of dozens of full moons as cadres hailed him with their buttocks? You have been warned.”

(www.hayibo.com)