Beware of stage five clingers

Here is the latest internet sensation: a girl who did a parody of Justin Bieber's 'Boyfriend' about a crazy stalker girl. A stage five clinger if you're a fan of 'Wedding Crashers.'I realize that this girl was going for super freaky stalker status and that's the joke, but she did the crazy eyes a little TOO well here. Whats weird is that I think she only blinks once in the entire video.  I suppose that for any guy thats had a crazy stalk him this hits rather close to home. Its funny how they all have those crazy eyes. This reminds me of someone....

Someone just asked me what exactly constitutes being classified as a stage five clinger. A stage five clinger can be defined as:

"A member of the opposite sex that is likely to become overly attached, overly fast." Virgins, those on the rebound, and the emotionally fragile are more likely to have this term applied to them. Originally from the movie Wedding Crashers. Exerts such as:

"We need to get Nick away from that chick. She's a stage five clinger.

We've got a stage five clinger situation. I need someone running interference on the blonde behind me, now.I nailed that chick last weekend and seriously regret giving her my number - I'm getting 2 or 3 calls a day. I think what we've got ourselves here is a stage five clinger."

The good news is that stage five clingers are few and far between. The bad news is that they do exist and that if they do target you your odds of survival are not great. Forewarned is forearmed as they say so I have graded the different clinger stages below. Keep in mind that clingers evolve so a stage four clinger today might just be tomorrows stage five clinger:

Stage 1 Clinger

These are just normal women.

Stage 2 Clinger

The most common clinger, really more of a nuisance than an actual threat.The S2 texts you throughout the day and constantly wants to hang out,but you can easily avoid her by using the classic "guy's night" excuse.You can identify an S2 easily enough when talking to her for the first time, as she'll generally try to make plans with you in the far-future even though you just met her.

Typical exchange with a Stage 2 Clinger:

*30 minutes after meeting*

You: Yeah, so I'll be going to Jamaica for a few weeks in February.

Her:Awe cool, except now I'm not going to have a Valentines Day date.

You: What's your name again?

Stage 3 Clinger

The S3 is an upgraded version of the S2 but only in terms of persistency,not cleverness. You'll probably be receiving texts at certain scheduledparts of the day (morning and night for example) and maybe even an odd call. If the S3 has a mode of transportation then you'll need to be extra careful when revealing your location, as there's a chance she could arrive at any time. Just to be safe, keep the S3 on her toes by only telling her where you really are a third of the time.

Typical exchange with a Stage 3 Clinger:

*Via text*

Her: (8:06 AM) Morning sunshine

Her: (10:20 AM) Whats up buttercup?

Her: (12:48 PM) Hey, you there

You: (1:12 PM) Hey, yeah

Her: (1:13 PM) Hey!!!!Whats up? What are you doing today?

You: (1:30 PM) Not too sure, maybe going to the mall

Her: (1:31 PM) Cool!! When? Maybe we can meet up and grab lunch ;)

Her: (2:55 PM) Hey, I'm at the mall, where are u? :)

You: (3:10 PM) KFC

Her: (3:11 PM) Oh, the one by the mall? I'll be right there ;)

You: (3:15 PM) No no, I'm at the one on the other side of town

Her: (3:16 PM) Oh that's fine I have gas, cya soon xox

You: (3:20 PM) No, not on the other side of OUR town. Just on the other side of a town.

Her: (3:21 PM) Which town?

Her: (4:00 PM) ??

Her: (4:30 PM) :(

Her: (10:45 PM) Hey!:)

Stage 4 Clinger

The Stage 4 Clinger is kind of like the T-800 Terminator:she's very good at accomplishing her goal and will let nothing stand in her way. The S4 has a way of extracting information from you that you think is useless, but is really just ammo for their arsenal.The stage four clinger has a remarkable ability to gather and store information about you. She will know the name and details of every girl you have ever dated. Remember that time you wrote down your postal code when you were filling out that credit card application form?  The S4 has extracted and processed that information, and with the help of Google Maps, now knows where you live. Congratulations.

Typical exchange with a Stage 4 Clinger:

*via phone*

Her: Hey, whats up?

You: Nothing, just chilling at my house with a friend.

Her: Which friend?

You: Jordan.

Her: IS THAT A GIRL?!?!?!

You: Uhhh...no.

Her: Oh okay, does he drive the blue BMW?

You: ...Yes, how did you know that?

Her: Oh, I'm just parked outside.

You: What?!? Why?

Her: I was hoping I would see you. Do you mind if I come in really quick to use your bathroom?

You: *click*

Stage 5 Clinger

I encountered a stage five clinger several years ago and can truthfully say that it is a terrifying experience. These are the girls who will plan their lives around you: they'll go wherever they think you will be (or at least move to the same city), get the same gym schedule as you, apply for a job at the places you work (and visit regularly), and even try to befriend your friends. In my case I found out a year after I thought I had ditched my stage five clinger that she had employed my accountant in a rather pathetic attempt to stay in contact with me. If you ever encounter an S5, the most important thing is to stay calm and whatever you do, DO NOT have sex with her. Once she gives it up, she'll pursue you to the corners of the Earth focused on getting married to you and having your babies. Actually, you know what, scratch that. Go ahead and sex her up; you only live once....it just won't be for a very long time.

The clip below is a great example of how with the best intentions in the world you can encounter a stage five clinger.

The follow on clip shows just how difficult dealing with and trying to placate a stage five clinger can be. Look out for the crazy eyes towards the end. This tell tale sign is a dead give away for stalker girls and stage five clingers.