ANC turns 100, confused and incontinent

MANGAUNG. As the ANC celebrated its 100th birthday on Sunday, close relatives say that the party’s dementia is getting worse, and that it is now entirely incontinent and constantly pissing on the poor. Meanwhile baboons have reacted angrily to Julius Malema’s allegations, while Helen Zille also wants to be escorted by a gaggle of chubby guerillas. Read our full Mangaung wrap-up here…

The ANC thanked thousands of supporters for coming to its birthday party on Sunday, but said it didn’t know who any of them were, and became disoriented and agitated when it couldn’t find its wife, Morality, who died in 1999 shortly after the Arms Deal.

“The music was very loud,” said the 100-year-old former liberation hero this morning. “And everyone seemed very fat. And where is my Morality? What happened to Morality? Where am I? Morality? Why are all these fat people in my house?”

Doctors said that the party is resting peacefully this morning, but say its long-term prognosis is not good. “We’d be very surprised if it sees its 105th birthday, without a massive infusion of fresh blood,” said one.

South Africa’s baboons have reacted angrily to comments by Julius Malema in which he allegedly described his enemies in the ANC as baboons.

“It’s a total betrayal,” said baboon spokesman, Flosses With Twigs. “I thought we were tight with Julius. Hell, we even showed the Youth League how to pick a new leader by baring your ass-cheeks and making a lot of noise. You think you know someone.”

A ceremony in which the spirits of the founding members of the ANC were summoned had to be hastily abandoned after senior ghost-cadres failed to recognize the party they had served.

After materializing briefly as glowing revolutionary plasma, both Oliver Tambo and Walter Sisulu asked to be excused, saying that all the German cars and Swiss watches made them “queasy”.

“And I don’t want to spend this special day haunting a green plastic Porta-Loo, waiting to blow esoteric ghost-chunks,” added Sisulu.

“In my day ‘tender’ was something that described my relationship with Adelaide,” said Tambo. “But then you die and suddenly the whole thing goes to hell.”

Former president Thabo Mbeki has slammed the ANC as “unteachable” after seeing his portrait alongside other party leaders at the Free State Stadium.

“I knew my legacy was iffish around Aids and the African Renaissance, but I had hoped I’d at least managed to teach these chops a few rudiments of Stalinist revisionism,” sighed Mbeki.

“I mean, I thought they had a handle on it when we obliterated the Struggle contribution of the PAC and UDF, but to see my face down there…Have they learned nothing? Not even a token black blob over my face? God, I need another whiskey.”

Western Cape Premier Helen Zille has announced the formation of an armed wing for the Democratic Alliance after seeing MK veterans in action on Sunday.

“Nothing says Populist Leader of a One-Party Banana-Republic like being escorted by a chaotic melee of middle-aged and over-weight guerillas, running in circles and shouting at marshals,” said Zille. “I want that. I want it bad.”

(hayibo.com)